I’ve kept this weekly newsletter going as a promise to myself for it to be the one creative endeavour I keep doing. There’s been lots of projects that I’ve stopped and started over the years, different mediums I’ve tried - from acting, improv, standup, filmmaking and of course rapping. Now it’s cool to be a multihyphenate, but at the time it felt like a guessing game - am I this or that?
And when you’ve done so many things and not stuck with them, it’s a constant reminder that it will happen again. But this can get confusing when you start to question why you stopped doing the thing in the first place. Perhaps it wasn’t the right avenue, the right time or maybe it just wasn’t the right thing.
Take stand up comedy for instance, which I did for 3.5 years. In that time I performed 2 x solo Edinburgh Fringe Festival shows, created 1 x BBC radio 4 sitcom pilot based on my character and was a Hackney Empire New Act Of The Year finalist. On paper, that all sounds great - so why did I stop?
The truth is, I hit a creative brick wall and didn’t feel that the character reflected where I was at in my own journey. Now I’m sure some people would make the decision and crack on with their next endeavour. But not me. For the past four years it’s always been a bugbear, “maybe I should start again”, “what if I self sabotaged and was on the brink of success” etc etc. Welcome to my merry-go-round mind, it’s a fun ride!
But, I also know that the idea of driving up and down the M1 to play at gigs across the UK for eternity, did not appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong I like a service station just as much as the next man, but there’s only so many times a week one can eat a *Greggs vegan sausage roll. And then there was the money aspect or lack of, in 3.5 years of performing stand up comedy - the most I got paid was £250 for a gig and that was for a private party. *I once managed to eat 5 in a week - but in my defence this was when Greggs had just launched the infamous sausage and I was knee deep in my vegan stage.
So I have my answer, but regardless I find myself in LA about to perform a gig. As myself, no character - just some material about the perils of being a sensitive man. I have no idea if it will go down well, or if I will enjoy being back on stage - but I’m doing it because it’s something I’ve been procrastinating over. And I’d rather try it again and have it confirm what I already knew, than not and it constantly being an annoying whisper in my ear “you know you want to - what are you scared of”?
Other areas of procrastination include scriptwriting. Two years ago I wrote a fun comedy horror short film concept, which wasn’t quite there but just needed a few more passes before it was shoot ready. But every time I think about getting back to it, I find something else to preoccupy me. Is it my dickhead inner critic warning me that unless it’s perfect then there’s no point? Probably. But I think it also comes back to the pattern of stopping and starting projects.
If you have a history of doing not completing things, then why bother starting in the first place - you’re only going to let yourself down? And this my friends is very much an ADHD thing. Once the initial dopamine rush wears off and the hard work begins, we quickly lose interest or begin to feel demoralised. Add that to the dickhead inner critic who gets harsher and harsher with each unfinished project and you have a recipe for procrastination disaster.
Don’t get me wrong, some procrastination can be useful. Leaving a script to go for a walk or putting it back in the drawer for a week after you’ve written the first draft - can lead to gold. But to not finish something, or even start it, is usually out of fear. And I say fuck fear and do it anyway. Ignore the internal and external haters, just have fun with it and see where it goes. So that’s why I’m doing this stand up gig this evening, because what’s the worst that can happen? I die on stage and nobody laughs? Been there, done that.
I’m doing the gig to slay my procrastination dragon. And when it creeps up on me, I’ll do some breathwork and maybe even talk to the fucker and let them know who’s boss. Perhaps that will be my new stand up schtick…or maybe not.
The point is, don’t let procrastination put off the things you’ve been dreaming of doing, because one day you’ll wake up and it will be too late. And with that, I’m off to practice my set before I change my mind and the demon inner critic kicks in. Wish us luck.
What are the projects/things you are procrastinating over? Don’t put off commenting below!
Here’s me performing stand up approx 4 years ago laughing at my own jokes. I mean, someone had to.
Thank you Steve you’ve given me inspiration and determination to forge ahead with my project 🙏🏻